Loony Measurement System

I was recently reading the manifesto of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party, and I started to wonder: if a spoof political party had a policy on units of measure, what would it be? Perhaps it would look something like this:

We propose to introduce into Britain a measurement system which is different from that used in any other country in the world. It would be similar to the system used in the United States of America, but not quite the same. It would be defined in terms of the metric system, but would not define its units in any convenient whole numbers of metric units, making it dependent upon, but entirely incompatible with the standard international system of weights and measures.

There would be four different units to measure length. The smallest, a “chin”, would be exactly 25.4 mm. Then there would be toof which would be 12 chins, or 304.8 mm; then a dray which would be 36 chins or 914.4 mm and finally a lime which would be 63,360 chins, or 1609.344 m.

For weight there would be six different units. Starting with the nouce, which would weigh 28.349523125 g. Then a pnoud would weigh 16 nouces or 0.45359237 kg; a snote would weigh 224 nouces or 6.35029318 kg; a ctw would be 4,480 nouces or 50.80234544 kg; and a not would weigh 53,760 nouces or 1,016.0469088 kg.

Volume would have three different units which would not be based on the length unit, but one of which would be loosely based on the density of water. The units would be the fluid nouce, equal to 28.4130625 ml, or approximately the volume of 1 nouce of water. Then a tinp would be 20 fluid nouces or 568.26125 ml, and a laglon would be 160 fluid nouces or 4.54609 litres.

If that measurement system was proposed now, no one in their right mind would accept it. It makes no sense whatsoever. And yet this raving loony’s system is exactly the same (save the unit names) as the imperial system, which some people in the UK find it so difficult to let go of. I hope that any readers who support the use of that system can see how ridiculous it is to argue

for its superiority over the international metric system. In fact the only possible argument for keeping such a system is that you simply can’t be bothered to change.

Post the Host

What would you do if you wanted to receive Holy Communion, but you couldn’t get to church? At my church we are lucky to have two readers who do a great job of taking Communion out to the sick and house-bound. But what about those who don’t know of that ministry, or don’t live in our parish? What can they do? The Open Episcopal Church has come up with its own solution to this dilemma – Post the Host . This is a new ministry, launched last week, which provides mail-order consecrated wafers, “Hosts”, to anyone who asks for them (and pays the postage). Being enthusiastic about innovation, I thought I’d give it a try:

Now you might think that you need a priest to be present for you to receive the body of Christ – to say the Eucharistic Prayer for you; but they’ve thought of that. By the magic of the internet and the services of youtube , Archbishop Jonathan Blake can be present in your own living-room to say Mass, just for you. He even offers a choice of services to suite all tastes. The more traditional can select a Catholic Mass , or even a Latin one. For charismatics there is a Pentecostal Mass where he says the Eucharistic prayer in tongues. You can choose a “radical ” Mass, an “inclusive ” Mass, a Trinity Sunday Mass ; there are two outdoor versions, complete with authentic bird-song and police sirens in the background. A music lover can select a singing Mass (not exactly a sung Mass – he uses choruses and modern worship songs rather than singing the Mass itself) or the teenager might like to select the “Street Mass ”. This last version is something very different from the Anglican experience. I still can’t watch it without laughing out loud (that’s “lol” to those who will be using this version). It lasts less than three minutes, and features a confession that goes “Alright God, Sorry if we messed up. Trying 2 sort things out but cummon, give us a break” followed by the absolution “OK. Hang on in there”. (The full text can be found on the Post the Host website.) Perhaps the closest to my own tradition is what he calls the "ornate Mass"

The Hosts are supplied using the internet payment service paypal (Internet Explorer only) , (or you can send a cheque if you prefer ). The cost is £2 for any number of Hosts from one to 100. I ordered one to try it out, but due to a mix-up with the orders I was actually sent 100 consecrated wafers. Also enclosed was a card with the Image of the Devine Mercy and a mini-edition of “I Am With You” by Fr. John Woolley . They are dispatched by first class post, so they arrived 36 hours after I ordered them and I had them for the weekend. Early on Saturday morning I settled down in the comfort of the sofa in my own front room to receive the Body of Christ. My seven-year-old son, Gabriel, was very interested and wanted to join in. Gabriel is not confirmed and does not normally receive communion, but considering the highly inclusive nature of this new ministry, I didn’t feel that I should deny him. So we snuggled up together with a laptop and watched the “Singing Mass ”. After about 8 minutes ++ Jonathan tells us “please now receive the consecrated Host”. So we did – it was a lovely moment.

I am in two minds about this project. My first reaction to it was to laugh; and that’s been a fairly common reaction from people told about this. There has been a fair amount of cynicism and sarcasm about it in the press and on Christian bulletin boards I’ve read. The main objections seem to be that he is putting the body of Jesus in danger by leaving Him to the mercy of the postal service (++Jonathan denies this ); and that Holy Communion only makes sense as part of a Christian community. To do it as a private devotion, by mail-order simply doesn’t work. Against this, it can be argued that reserving the Sacred Mysteries for the benefit of faithful churchgoers only is putting Jesus in a box, when He should be out in the world. Archbishop Jonathan’s enthusiasm is hard to ignore. He is quite sure that he is providing a much needed ministry. So I’ll let him have the last word in his video addresses below.

Gabriel’s first reaction was “it tastes like Ready brek”!

Ode to Real Ale

To the tune of "Early One Morning"

Early one evening just as the pubs were opening,
A traveller came walking down a cold and rainy street.
Seeing a door ajar, he walked into the public bar,
Said "Landlord I would like a jar and something nice to eat."

"I fancy some crusty bread and roast beef of old England
with butter from the dairy and some homemade pickles too.
And if you think you could, draw some bitter from the wood,
I'd be quite content to quaff a foaming pint or two"

"I'll sit by your open fire and contemplate infinity,
The warmth of your hostelry shall creep into my heart.
And should a regular, chance into the public bar,
Then maybe I'll engage him in a contest with the dart."

"Come in" said the landlord "I've got prepacked fishpaste sandwiches
And soya sausage substitute I purchase by the tonne.
So if you fancy it, I could defrost a bit
And smother it with ketchup in a supermarket bun."

"I'll pour you a plastic pot of Super-Foaming Readybrew
As advertised on telly by a famous rugby scrum.
No filthy barrels here, we serve hygienic beer,
Safely paralysed inside an aluminium drum"

"Sit down by the electric fire, I'll turn the Space Invaders on,
Or maybe you've more interest in my latest fruit machine.
Three cherries in a row, that should set your heart aglow,
Or what about my jukebox, that'll really set the scene."

The traveller sat down beside the polystyrene inglenook,
The plastic beams vibrating to the electronic sound.
Took a bite, began to chew, supped his pint of Readybrew,
Gave a ghastly gargle and fell dead, upon the ground.

"Oh dear" said the landlord as he turned the colour telly on,
"Another fatal accident, the third this week I fear.
If they can't hold their own, why don't they stay at home?
I don't half get some funny bloody customers in here!"

No God? Oh God!

I did laugh out loud, no exaggeration.  The advertising campaign by aetheists to assure us that there is "probably" no God, has drawn a complaint from a Christian group claiming that it breaches advertising regulations because it makes an unsubstantiated claim.  You couldn't make this up.  It's brilliant comedy. See http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7818980.stm

Now the serious bit (why do I do this?).  Firstly, if they think there's no God, why don't they come out and say it?  Perhaps they anticipated this legal challenge and wanted to hedge their bets.  But believing that there is "probably" no God is surely very shaky ground.  What if there is?  What if you really believed that there might be a God, but there probably isn't and then you died and found there was a God.  Surely that niggling doubt would make your life unbearable.

Then, why does the existence of God mean you have to worry.  The majority of Christians I know rejoice in their knowledge of God.  Conversely, if there is no God, why would that be a matter for enjoyment.  If you really believe that this entire reality created itself out of nothing for no reason, what does that say about the purpose of your life?  "Make the best of life while you're on earth, because it's the only life we know about" is the normal aetheist response.  But how can you enjoy a life if you are certain in the knowledge that it has no meaning, no purpose and no future beyond your death.  What is the point of bringing up children?  What is the point of suffering adversity to come out the other side with a sense of achievement?  It all ends when you die.  Why not die now and save yourself all the suffering?  Why be good, except to allow yourself to be self-righteous?  Why not go out and take what you want, provided you believe you can get away with it?

Belief in God is not something negative to constrain the individual.  It is something empowering and enriching.  Having been an atheist for the first half of my adult life I do understand some of the sentiment behind this campaign.  God bless the British Humanist Association - they've given me something to laugh at on a cold Thursday evening.

Bob The Builder wins the American Presidency

"Can we change it?" "Yes we can?"

Here in the UK we have a children's television character called Bob the Builder. His catchphrase is "Can we fix it? - Yes we can!".

Barack Obama's acceptance speech echoed those words - "Yes we can", and he made it his own catchphrase, even getting the crowd to chant along with him. I think this positive approach is perhaps the only thing the two characters share. Here's the full speach hosted on CNN:

He certainly is a powerful public speaker. He also talks a great story about being a conviction politician. I love that story about the 106-year-old voter. In the UK, the most interesting thing we've seen in politics recently was the invention of "New Labour". That project was all about sales, image and public perception. Nothing to do with engaging with people's needs and concerns; more about keeping "us" in power and "them" out, and then justifying it with sales talk. I really hope that President Obama can deliver something very different for America. This is one politician I'll be watching without my normal cynicism. I so hope he doesn't turn out to be a disappointment.

Freecycle

A few weeks ago I was given four beds by three different people - all complete strangers.  They wanted to get rid of them, and I happened to need them - so they gave them to me.  

I've recently been clearing out my loft and had a lot of stuff I've accumulated over the years.  None of it was rubbish, so I wanted to give it away - so I did.  I gave it to people I didn't know who said they wanted it.  There was a cot, a couple of turntables, a slide projector, a negative ionizer, a couple of children's bicycles, some ADSL microfilters - and several other things.

My heating recently broke down.  As I'm replacing the boiler I didn't want to get it fixed, so I asked some complete strangers if they had some electric heaters they could spare.  Two different people came up with six dimplex heaters to tide me over till the new boiler was fitted.

A few years ago, this kind of transaction would have been the stuff of dreams.  Stuff went to the tip if you didn't know someone who wanted it.  You would never go round asking strangers for things you needed.  But the internet has changed all that.  The internet and a rather clever idea called Freecycle.  You can read all about it here, and find your nearest branch.

Freecycle is billed as a way to "keep stuff out of landfill".  I think it is far more than that.  In fact the issue of filling up landfill is a bit over-done and Freecycle probably doesn't even scratch the surface.  What Freecycle is, is a real community.  We hear about "online communities", which often means a group of people who communicate on-line but never meet.  Freecycle goes much further than this.  It's about local people being able to contact each other, know each others' needs and support each other.  That's far more valuable than any environmental ideal or any chatroom you can find anywhere else on the internet.

Political Correctness GONE MAD

This made me laugh

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/7643136.stm

Not only is it wrong to tell people which toilet they should use, but it wrong to say that it's political correctness "gone mad".  That might offend ... mad people ... like the green-haired lady in the interview.